Why I became a doula. (And why I’ll never stop)

Why on earth would a woman (and at the time, a kind of youngish woman) who has no kids and no plans to have kids want to dedicate her time to leaning about labor, birth and postpartum care? What is in it for her?

 

What indeed.

 

First a warning: I am going to use the scariest word you know. It’s a marginalizing word that many young people won’t even use for fear that it will over-define them. In fact, most of them don’t actually know what the word means, not really. It’s the dreaded “F” word. Feminism.

 

I came to doula work from a place of feminism. What?

 

There are many choices a woman must make once she becomes pregnant, including the choice to either continue the pregnancy or not. If she should decide to stay pregnant, there are a host of choices that she still makes, though sadly, in most cases in the US the choices are made for her. She doesn’t know she even has the choice of care provider (OB, family doctor, midwife) or even venue (hospital, birth center, home.) These are relatively known choices but there are many more.

 

I believe that women deserve the right to autonomy over their bodies, in every stage of life, including the right to make the decisions that affect her pregnancy and postpartum care, and the right to know what the likely results of said decisions are. Many (read: most) US hospitals take away these choices, or at least the education, as a matter of “policy.” This policy is often based on disproved or misleading information or worse, on making money and practitioner schedules. Did you know that most babies born in the US are born between 9am and 5pm, M-F? How considerate these babies are of staffing schedules!

 

So obviously I am pro-choice. I trust women and I trust that the choices they make that affect them, their bodies, and their families are right for them. I want to empower them by giving them resources and education so that they can make these decisions for themselves, not coerced by any other policy or agenda. I want to support the choices that they make EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT THE CHOICES THAT I MIGHT MAKE FOR MYSELF. That is why I’m a doula. That is why I’m a feminist. That is why I can’t ever separate the two. 

How To Not Be Quite So Fat (Part II)

Exercise. (Excuses)

On my previous post I talked a little bit about what you are eating and how you are doing it wrong (probably) more of an overview than anything. A quick overview of exercise is easily summed up in one sentence: Get off your ass, motherfucker. 

So let’s talk about excuses:

“I don’t have time!” aka the whiney bitch excuse.

Yes you do. You have time for whatever you want to make time for. I have three jobs not including stand-up. I am still training for a half marathon. Sometimes I run in the morning before work, sometimes I run in the evening after work. Sometimes I lift or stretch while watching television. Nope, I sure don’t have kids but my sister has 2 kids under 3 years old and she gets to the gym every morning. Because when you make being healthy a priority, it fucking becomes a priority. If you think taking time for you is selfish or makes you a bad parent, ask yourself how showing unhealthy examples to your child makes you a good parent. Find out how dying early because you didn’t take care of yourself will make them feel. At a certain point aren’t you just using your kids as an excuse? My parents did and now they ingest more pills than actual food, and they are only in their 60s. Also, their example led me to drink and eat to excess and be borderline obese throughout most of my 20s. I love them, but jesus fuck.

“I walk to work! I already exercise!” 

Good for you. Unless you live fewer than 30 minutes from work, in which case, you’re kidding yourself. Sorry. You’re supposed to get 60 minutes of exercise … A DAY. THIS CAN BE just a walk or even a little WiiFit (My own personal WiiFit is a snarky asshole so I understand if you prefer kinect)

“I have achy joints”

Guess why you have achy joints? (Hint: it’s because you don’t exercise)  Try a pool or an elliptical machine. Can’t afford a gym? If you live in NYC you can join ALL OF THE Parks Department Rec Centers for $60. http://www.nycgovparks.org/facilities/recreationcenters

Get creative. Running is hard on the knees so try walking. I like riding my bike. Bonus: My bike is totally cute.

“I’m a super good person and spend MY free time volunteering, you selfish dickhole”

I TOTALLY got you there. I use this app on my phone called Charity Miles (app is free) where by walking, running, or bike riding you can raise money and awareness for the charity of your choice just by turning it on. Also it will post to social media thereby helping your awareness reach.

http://www.charitymiles.org

“I don’t like to exercise” 

Ok this one is harder. When you first start, it might suck. Find something you like though. I actually had no interest in running when I started, but now I find it’s the best time for me to clear my head. I usually get some great joke ideas while I’m out. If you prefer being around people try a team sport. Lots of pick-up games and various leagues. I, of course, hate people so running works best for me. I found the elliptical (the one where you move your arms) was a great fucking workout. This was when I belonged to a gym. I sure don’t right now. I got myself a bike for the pure joy of it and now my legs are so super slammin’ hot you’d think I had self esteem.

I’ve also found a great way to keep (at least me personally) going is to have a non-weight centered goal – i.e. races. If I pay money to enter a race, you can darn well bet that I’m going to spend the time to train for it. Now everyone isn’t as cheap as I am but this works great for me. PLUS this: That is my first ever medal from my first ever race which was a half marathon. You can’t tell, but I’m exhausted in this picture.

IDEAS THAT I MAYBE HAVEN’T PERSONALLY TRIED BUT SEEM TO WORK WELL FOR NORMAL PEOPLE:

Take a class. Specifically a dance class (Adult tap sounds like it would be fun if everyone is a beginner. Ringers would ruin the vibe, I’m guessing.)

Join a team or a league or something. Again my sister was part of a co-ed touch football league. To me this seems boring as fuck but I’m allowed to say that because I already exercise.

Like running but don’t hate people? Try a running group. There are tons. Look at NYRR.org or even just do a Google search.

Try Jiu Jitsu or Karate or something fun where you get to hit people.

Try yoga or Tai Chi which is fun but you don’t get to hit people.

Get a kickin’ bod in the gym then tell everyone it’s Pilates. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW.

Take your dog for a run instead of taking her to the dog park. This tip is only relevant for dog owners/dog thieves.

Save the $2.50 subway fare and walk (if you can). Yes I’ve tried getting off the train a stop early but all this does is make me late for whatever I’m doing. If I plan on the walk, I plan on the 5 extra minutes.

Pick up instead of delivery. YOU STILL GET TO BE A LAZY JERKFACE because you’re not cooking. (of course I recommend cooking because then you know what’s in your food but baby steps, yes?)

Try boning your significant other.

Now there is a difference between cardio, weight bearing exercise and stretching and yes ALL of them are important but if you can just get off your soft, saggy tushie you’ll create a less soft, less saggy tushie. Also: Less tushie. Nice.

Now go back and read the post on diet because still, that’s more important.

Will there be a part 3? Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.

How To Not Be Quite So Fat (Part I)

I have been kicking this idea around for a while. I used to be about 200 lbs which isn’t huge but it isn’t healthy either. I’m spitting distance of my goal weight, provided you can spit several city blocks, but that being said I know what to do. I know what I SHOULD do I know what I DO do (hehehe doodoo) and I thought it would be beneficial for someone maybe If I shared what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what has worked and what hasn’t. I’m going to make this post a several parter, being that it’s super duper long and I want you all to still like me.

Me? I’m a regular-ish lady person who occasionally punches herself in the chub when she feels bad for being overweight. I mean who hasn’t? (amiritelaaaaaaadies?) I have slightly less back fat than front fat and boobies that can hit my waist if I don’t hoist them with modern booby hoisting technology. I often feel the need to suck in my gut when I masturbate (But such a pretty face!) SO YOU CAN TELL I come to this from a place of total normalcy. Take what I advise with a grain of salt, then give me that salt so I can put it on my fries.

Big Thing Number One: You are eating ALL WRONG. 

Or at least I was. When you’re eating pure crap you know you are eating pure crap – pizza, full blocks of cheddar, deep fried Oreos, triple cheese omelets, twix bars that you dip in peanut butter that you melted in the microwave expressly for this purpose – but by god you do it anyway. Sometimes (in fact most times) you’re not even physically hungry. You have a different kind of hunger that is much much stronger than the need to survive – it’s the need to Feel Good. Fat and salt and sugar make you Feel Soooooooo Good (in the moment) so you have to find a way to deal with this. For some it might be cutting out your biggest offenders completely, for others it might be changing the way you eat them. I use both strategies, with varying effectiveness depending on the food item, my emotional state of being, and hormone levels.

Cheese: Had to give that motherfucker up

Chocolate: Switched to dark, high quality chocolate that’s enjoyed in small amounts. I let it melt on my tongue instead of just cramming it down my face. It becomes a sensual experience that I highly recommend.

Pizza: Became Vegan Pizza and is enjoyed rarely.

Wine: No change. I should probs work on this one.

Beer: A rare treat. (I’m drinking one right now but I swear this is rare)

Deep Fried Delicious Stuff That’s Killing Me: 86ed.

Meat: Gross.

Coffee: Switched to black or use hemp milk & agave as a sweetener.

Popcorn: Air-popped. Throw on some Bragg’s Liquid Aminos and Nutrition Yeast for yumsies.

Fake Sweetener: Get those chemicals outta my body. GROSS.

White Rice: Switch to Any Other Rice. I like wild but cook a lot of brown too. I also cook a lot of other grains and use them in place of rice: quinoa (try red it’s waaaaay better than white) and I make risotto out of barley.

Bread: Ok fine, but make it wheat and don’t eat it every day, jackass.

Soda: Just have seltzer.

Cake and pie and cookies and doughnuts and scones and muffins: Sparingly. You know this already. Muffins are not health food. MUFFINS ARE NOT HEALTH FOOD.

Ok so these were a few little food changes I’ve made. I can’t wait to tell y’all about some other stuff I do!

Interests are Interesting

I have a lot of interests, that don’t always… mesh well together. My mains all come from a place of feminism which is a scary scary word that means I think that women are equal to men. This includes being a doula and birth activism as well as any of the activism I participate in including LGBT rights (I’m not L, G, B, nor T but I know that these letters stand for thinking, feeling people) pro-choice (obvs) abuse of any kind (including animals) and of course stand-up comedy.  If you heard my set you’d get why. (Als0: my complete adoration of Maria Bamford started me on that comedy journey.)

Anyhoosle, those interests do kind of go together. The only oddball in my interests would be my love of Disney World. (This is where there’d be a record scratch. For you kids at home, a record is like a cd… which is like an MP3 that you can physically touch)Yeah. Come at me. I fucking love Walt Disney World. I am an adult woman with no kids and all I want to do is ride Livin’ With The Land and get a Grey Goose Slushie. I want to get out of Pirates and grab a Dole Whip. I want to get carded for a frozen Margarita and sip it while I wait for Fantasmic! I want to go on Kilimanjaro Safaris and then get something with a paper straw. I WANT TO FIND ALL OF THE HIDDEN MICKEYS!!!

My baby bro, Nerd, and I even ran ourselves a li’l race there: 

Yeah we met Darth Vader on mile 10. LIKE YOU DO. Because Disney World is the FUCKING BEST.

The interesting juxtaposition of these hobbies and interests produce a rather eclectic Twitter following, with Disney, Comedy, Birth, and Activism fans alike unfollowing me in droves. YES I could create separate accounts for different things, but I like me. I like that I can tweet about 101 trip planning tips and 2 minutes later call a misogynist a dickhole. I like that I can follow that up with a recipe for Vegan Lentil Stew and an article on circumcision. All of these things have value and make me me. And Twitter isn’t a popularity contest. Ok actually yes it’s totally that but it’s also a great medium in which to interact with all kinds of people. Some of them suck, but some of them are really totally cool. Through Disney & Twitter I met some really cool Christians who disagree with me on some political issues but are willing to talk with me about them with civility. I also met some radically awesome hippy activists who would never give money to a multi-million dollar corporation but have my back at all times. I would estimate that with no exaggeration whatsoever I’ve lost approximately 10 times as many followers as I currently have, but that’s cool; our little Megan Community is pretty fucking rad.

Also: Neil deGrasse Tyson

I Guess I Have A Blog Now

Due to the unprecedented need for me to write something I’ve decided to do just that. I’m hoping to remember I have this blog more than once a month. Since my current work schedule can be best described as grueling, I can’t see many more than one post a week but I swear I’ll try like really hard.

5 things about me:

1. My knee hurts, which sucks because…

2. I am in training for a few races.

3. I think I’m funny and like to tell jokes, typically on a stage with a microphone.

4. I want to go back to school to be a nurse (ultimately to be a midwife) but still have 11 year old student loan debt so would ideally need what is known as a “full ride” type of scholarship.

5. Oh yeah I’m a doula, but I also have 2 part time jobs, one which I like but pays dick, the other which I hate but pays slightly better than dick.

BONUS FACT:

I just started veganing. I’ve already lost weight and probably annoyed the hell out of my boyfriend.

I can’t wait to have something interesting to share with you all.